L i z a r d A l e r t . c o m -- "Support Group"

the awesome story of a cow

There was once a cow that had many wives but wanted to have a goat instead. So, the foolish cow took his 3 wives to market to sell to the farmers. Or was it that the wives took the 3 farmers to sell to the cows. Wait, it was the cow that took his 3 wives. Yes, well anyways, that particular cow was very greedy, so he offered his wife to a witch that had green hair for the price of 2 goats. However, the witch valued goats for their ability to eat anything, even feces and carts. So the witch took the cow and his 3 wives (who happened to be bikini models for a popular magazine, but that's a totally different and wacky story altogether) to see the witch.

The witch took the cow and his 3 wives along a long path through a meadow that was owned by a large troll named Herman. Herman the Troll didn't like cows. But, he did like women who posed in bikinis for popular magazines. So, the cow offered his brunette wife to Herman the Troll in order to pass on and enter the Swamp of oddities and mortification. So, now with only 2 of his 3 original wives, the cow followed the witch (whose name happened to be Garzarganela the Awesome) into the swamp.

In the swamp, the cow was viciously mauled to death by a blood-thirsty crocodile. But, being a cunning cow, the cow was reincarnated instantly as the same cow that he was before. Then, the cow pulled out a fishing rod and began to fish. The crocodile was amazed by the cow's fishing skills and offered that if the cow would be able to catch him a cod that the crocodile would apologize to the cow for mauling him to death. With great luck and skill, the cow caught a cod, which don't even live in swamps. They live in sub-swamps and semi-quasi-kinda swamps. But this wasn't a sub-swamp or a semi-quasi-kinda swamp. Anyways, the cow gave the crocodile the cod and he apologized for attempting to have him for lunch. Well now that he had gotten through the meadow and swamp, the cow along with his 2 wives and the witch arrived at a strange place.

This place was called the moon. How they all got to the moon is quite a fascinating story in itself, but to make this story as short as possible, we will skip that part altogether. On the moon, the cow began to search for the cheese volcanoes that were rumored to appear there. After spending some time on the moon, the cow and all his pals appeared at the witch's house in Ireland.

Not many fantasy story type of witches live in Ireland these days, mostly just those small leprechaun guys that wear green and collect pots of gold at the end of rainbows, but ever since the witch got separated from a tour group, she scared them all off. Anyways, the witch offered her goat for one of the cow's remaining wives. Well, the cow loves both of his 2 wives, but decided to give up the redhead because she smelled kinda funny after going through that swamp for a few days. Well, now that the cow had his prized goat and his prized blond wife at his side, he began his trek back to his homeland of [censored]. Well the cow was so happy he [censored] all night with his [censored] in the [censored] of [censored]!!! Isn't that [censored]ing hilarious! I never knew cows could do that!

Once upon a time there was a heroic knight with a mighty magical sword who killed a dragon that was terrorizing a small village so then he fed the bloody rotting carcass of the dragon to the villagers but the dragon ended up being poisonous and the whole village died a terrible, terrible, terrible death. Oops, wrong story. Anyways.

Well, then the cow decided to visit the White House for an unspecified reason to see the president. The cow was declared a national war hero, and was given a limousine back to his homeland of [censored]. Well, now the cow had his blond wife and his goat that he so desired.

Then, the cunning cow read back in the story, and remembered that the witch had promised him 2 goats for a wife. Well, being upset at being ripped off, the cow went down to the army base and stole a fighter jet. The cow climbed inside and flew back to Ireland to see the witch about getting his other so-needed goat from her.

Upon arrival from her recent trip to Gilligan's Island, his redhead wife attempted to grill him for giving her away. By the way, did you know that broccoli is green? Well, the redhead soon gave up, seeing as a-the cow didn't give a crap about her anymore and the blind, er, I mean blond wife had already stuffed her in a shipping crate to be taken back to the cow's homeland of [censored] so she could pick rice in the cow's many rice fields until the cow's return. Did you know that rice is a very important crop for China? Many, many, MANY people there eat rice. Rice is white. Paper is white, unless it happens to be another color such as black, red, or blue. People can write on paper. In Spanish, paper is called "papel". I don't know what it is in German though, even though people that speak German use paper too. For more books on the subject of paper, please consult your local library, which is filled with books made from paper and / or paper by-products. Imagine that, a book about paper, made from paper! That's like an anti-logging magazine printed on paper instead of roadkill skins! What a wacky world we live in. Too bad Gilbert didn't live in this world, for he would have loved it here. All the scenic scenery, all the majestic majesty, all the awesome awesomeness, all the $5 all-you-can-eat buffets, everything. Wow. It really makes you think about how futile life really is and how you have to make the most of what you've got, you know? Are you doing what you want to be doing with your life or are you just doing it because what you really want to be doing is a crime punishable by death? It all really makes you think. Are you using your life effectively to increase the happiness of yourself and others? Are you an efficient component of your ecosystem? Speaking of ecosystems, Gilbert absolutely loved aerosol cheese straight from the canister. Did you know a can of aerosol spray cheese has a shelf life of 45 years? The very cheese you could be eating right now could be as old as your parents are or even older if you are a 2 year old. But then again, 2 year olds can't read, that\rquote s just ridiculous. They probably don't even know what cheese is in the first place.

Well, forgetting what he was doing or what I was writing about, the cow went up to the witch to get his well-deserved second goat. But, the witch happened to be drunk. She had visited a frat party the previous night and was still stinking drunk as a skunk. Oh and by the way, skunks don't really get drunk, that's just a dirty and rude cliché against our smelly 1-striped woodland pals. Well, since the witch was drunk, the cow just went and stole all her goats. But, the witch only had 1 goat so the cow only took the 1 goat that was rightfully his along with her new Mercedes-Benz.

Then, the adventurous cow entered a mysterious land called Las Vegas, or also known as "The Land of Neon Signs and Stuff." The cow loved neon. In fact, the cow's real name was not even close to neon; it was Gilbert. So the cow took his new goat and old (even though she is really 19) blond wife to a casino. He met up with a British chap named Jimmy. Well, that's what the cow called him, but his real name was Bond. James...Bond. Well, Mr. Bond offered the cow his exploding pen if he let him "talk to his wife". Well, James Bond took Gilbert the Cow's wife upstairs into his penthouse suite while Gilbert the Cow played with his newly acquired exploding pen. Even though I have said the cow is cunning before, he really is a total moron. Sorry for that total boldfaced lie. I am greatly sorry. Well, Gilbert the Cow enjoyed his exploding pen. And James Bond greatly enjoyed Gilbert the Cow's blond wide. Yes that's right. You heard me. They played a rousing warm game of backgammon. Well now that Bond, James Bond (shaken, not stirred) had been beaten at backgammon (very badly I may add to make him sound not as cool as I am), he kicked Gilbert the Cow's wife out of his room.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that Gilbert the Cow accidentally triggered the explosives in the pen and blew up the world in one gigantic ball of fire. Ha ha ha ha just joking. He only really blew up the Northern Hemisphere. Ha ha ha ha just joking again. Aren't I good at telling stories? Well, the cow and whatever the heck else he had with him went back to his homeland of [censored]. But, his redhead wife never arrived. Her crate was accidentally shipped to Switzerland.

The cow used to wear shoes but ever since an angry shoe god punished him for wearing a hat, he stopped wearing pants. That is why cows don't wear pants, unless they are gentlemen....of course, cows are all female, so they would therefore be gentlewomen. Male cows, also known as "bulls" don't wear shirts. Ha ha ha get it? No Bull Shirts! HA HA HA! Man, I really crack myself up.

Well, Gilbert the Cow, his 2 goats, his blond wife, and his strong desire for neon lights led him to his climactic hero-war-scene conquering. But, since this is only a story and not a high-budget Hollywood motion picture, the cow will live happily ever after in a small cottage in the woods forever and ever. The end. Or not. I don' feel like finishing this.

I would like to remark upon the following product that I may or may not endorse that Gilbert may or may not endorse that may or may not exist so I may or not actually be able to endorse or not endorse it.

The new and improved FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!®

Are you tired of those so-called "performance-enhancing" sports drinks that just don't live up to their promises? Try the new FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® and improve your game!

(WARNING-Aim away from face when opening / consuming. WARNING-Should not be taken internally by: children, the elderly, pirates, circus freaks with horns, psychics, professional wrestlers, lawyers, the devil, puppets, bricks, middle aged men/women, French Horn players, anyone in any type or sort of mental institution, anyone with any kind of accent, musicians, primates, fish, plants, fungus, robots, genetic freaks, anyone named Natalie, anyone who has ever breathed, or 15-year old prostitutes named Chloe that have webbed toes and dreams to start their own Worm Farm in Spain. WARNING-Made from radioactive materials. WARNING-If taken internally, please consult mortician and/or plumber. WARNING-FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® can cause: vomiting, extreme vomiting, loss of memory, total loss of memory, vertigo, asthma, bloating, extensive gas, uncontrollable cravings for DoDo eggs, psychotic behavior, mental anguish, depression, loss of limbs, loss of brain, extreme migraines, uncontrollable bladder, hate against green cars, and possible loss of head. WARNING-FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® may suddenly burst into flames. WARNING-When not in use, store FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® in its radioactive terminal to prevent nuclear winter. WARNING-FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® was created from an unknown item from space that landed in somewhere in eastern Siberia, Russia. WARNING-Fall Sport is classified as "Nuclear Waste". WARNING-When drinking FALL SPORT: The Body Flencher!® and playing Monopoly, when passing go, you may not collect $200).