A revision on a much older tale,
by Matt Hohnstein.
-
I -
The judges
gavel rapped. Mr. Knight: for the crimes of
embezzlement, solicitation, and capital dragon-slaying, I
hereby sentence you to
The Knight
swallowed hard.
death
by catapult!
But, that would
make for an awfully short story now, wouldnt it?
So, lets just say that the judge said this instead:
undertake
a series of quests to atone for your crimes!
There we go.
Thats better.
The quest began
and the Knight was grateful of his opportunity to redeem
himself through the performance of one good deed for each
of his charges. As he made his way through the
countryside, he stopped at houses and asked if they had
any good deeds for him to perform, but alas, they did
not. After many hours of traveling down country
dirt paths, he became fatigued and stopped at an inn in a
small village. The innkeeper told the Knight that
he was out of single rooms and only had a room for two
occupants. Partially not wanting to waste the fare
to sleep, partially giving in to his old ways, the Knight
sought companionship for the night.
The Knight
patrolled the village in search for a female companion
but to no avail as most of the occupants of this village
were trolls. Literally. The search continued
this way for the next few hours until the Knight came to
a cloaked man that offered the Knight companionship with
the most beautiful strumpet in all the land if he would
only answer a riddle: What moves about on four legs
in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in
the evening?
The Knight
replied: a one-armed man riding on a horse that
gets off and walks to get lunch, only to spill his grog
and have to crawl back in the evening.
That is
correct the cloaked man replied. I will
send down the most beautiful strumpet in all the land to
your room this evening.
The Knight
returned to the inn and waited in anticipation. When
the Knight heard a knocking at his door, he knew the
cloaked man had kept his word.
Come in,
the Knight said.
The
most beautiful strumpet in all the land entered the room.
The Knight recoiled in terror.
It cant
be! the Knight shouted. No!
Daddy!
the most beautiful strumpet in all the land shrieked.
-
II -
After the
humiliating incident with the most beautiful strumpet in
all the land, the Knights own long-lost daughter,
he rode off from the village in shame. Not only did
he have to atone for his embezzlement, solicitation, and
capital dragon-slaying charges, but now he felt that he
must also do penance for the previous nights
incident. After several days of riding, the Knight
came to a bridge that was guarded by a troll.
Guess my
name or you shall not pass, the troll stated.
Hermey,
the Knight boldly stated.
Ha!
The troll laughed. That is not my name!
The Knight
scratched his chin. Ralph, he stated
confidently.
Wrong
again! the troll shouted gleefully.
The Knight was
perplexed. Certainly this troll was named either
Hermey or Ralph, since those were the only two names that
trolls named themselves! Your name must
be Hermey or Ralph! the Knight exclaimed.
Close,
but it is indeed Not Hermey Nor Ralph, my good
traveler, the troll replied with a confident grin
and a wink.
The Knight
gritted his teeth and pointed at the troll. You
are wrong!
No,
the troll replied. I am telling you, good
sir, that my name is: Not Hermey Nor Ralph!
Liar!
the Knight yelled at the troll. It was then that he
dismounted his steed and killed the troll, only to
realize that the troll had been standing in front of a
wooden sign which bore the name Bridge of Not
Hermey Nor Ralph The Troll.
-
III -
The Knight
regretfully added troll murder in the second degree
to his list of penances and continued. Further down
the road there was a kingdom that was suffering from a
terrible famine that was due to the curse of an evil
dragon that lived in a nearby mountain. Upon
entrance to the kingdom, the Knight found the people
starving and unable to move. The princess of the
kingdom called upon the Knight to save the people by
slaying the vicious dragon to remove the curse upon the
land.
The next
morning, the Knight rode up to mountain lair of the
dragon on his trusty steed and fought the dragon to the
death, finishing off the beast with his magical sword.
The Knight then chopped the body of the dragon into
pieces and hauled them back down to the kingdom and
served a great feast of dragon to the starving people.
Unfortunately,
the dragon was poisonous and everyone in the kingdom died
a slow and agonizing death.
-
IV -
The Knight
grabbed his list of penances, which now contained
embezzlement, solicitation, capital dragon-slaying,
picking up the most beautiful strumpet in all the land,
troll murder in the second degree, and wrote in dragon
poison genocide. At a river just south of the
now-dragon-poisoned village, the Knight noticed two small
boys drowning. He was quick in his rescue.
Thank you
mister, the first boy said.
It is my
pleasure, the Knight replied as he patted the lad
on the head. Because of this deed, I will be
able to remove a bad deed from my penance list. Will
the two of you come along with me on the journey as proof
that I did a good deed?
Sure,
mister, the second boy said and they continued down
the road.
Hey kids,
the Knight said as he reached for something on his belt,
would you like to hear a song on my flute?
The boys excitedly nodded and the Knight grabbed the
flute from his belt and began to play.
The Knight
played several rousing tunes and his new travel
companions quite enjoyed them until the pack of
flying monkeys with eight-foot wingspans were attracted
by the flute playing and swooped down and snatched the
two lads.