About Reptilspire Productions

The First second Saga of Randomness

another ridiculously crappy collection of tales by
matt hohnstein

Episode 1 -- Revenge of the Roadkill

One dark and stormy night deep in the heart of Tennessee, Jim Bob the Hillbilly Scientist was working overtime on his latest hick invention. By combining some pieces of a broken-down Chevy truck and some cinder blocks from under the Chevy truck, he created the most evil invention in history. Even more evil than the atomic bomb.

For this invention brought roadkill back from the grave.

After testing several prototypes of this machine, Jim Bob began producing roadkill revivers. Although his intentions were good to begin with, he became corrupt after seeing how well his machine worked. So he decided to test it.

Jim Bob went out to the highway and activated his machine. All the roadkill in the radius of the machine became instantly revived, despite how disfigured or devoid of bodily fluid they were.

Episode 2 -- Cannibal Spaghetti

The name's Stuart, and I'm made out of spaghetti. Unfortunately, I have one very serious problem: I enjoy eating spaghetti. The only thing I can think of doing is consuming spaghetti! The way it curls around the fork when you stab into its sweet, sweet noodles... the way it slithers down your throat when you swallow it.

I don't know why I have a dark passion for consuming my own kind, but I just love it so much I know I could never stop. I love it so much I have to eat it -- if I don't then someone else will.

This was such a hilarious idea to begin with but now I realize it sucks. Sorry.

Episode 3 -- Alternate Uses For Snow

You can make snow into snowballs and pelt people in the head with them, but that isn't really nice to do. You can build a fort out of snow. You can build an army of snow warriors and turn them to live with a transmogrifier box. You can trick foolish people into thinking yellow snow is lemon slushie.

Episode 4 -- Everything I've Learned In Life I Learned From Calvin & Hobbes

If you draw knobs on the side of an upside down cardboard box, you can turn yourself into things. Stuffed animals can come to life. Tigers are suckers for tuna. You can travel through time or through space in a cardboard box. You can clone yourself and send your clones to school instead of going yourself. If you sled down a hill and it isn't winter, you will end up in a lake. Grotesque snowman sculptures do not impress your parents. Monsters do in fact live under beds. Parents often deny that you are theirs.

Episode 5 -- Top Ten Bad Corporate Slogans

#10 - Did somebody say 'cholesterol'?

#9 - We suck! We blow! We clean those hard-to-reach nooks and crevices! We clean every room of your house! Dick and Willie supervac cleaners: We Suck!

#8 - ...now cockroach free! Still have the earwigs, though...

#7 - If it has been on the floor, it is half price! All food now half price!

#6 - Silly Putty is in our kid's meals.

#5 - It keeps on going and going and going...until it stops a minute later.

#4 - Only 3 more years then out CEO is off probation!

#3 - Come in a minivan with you family, leave on a stretcher with the paramedics!

#2 - 2,000 humans served daily!

and the #1 bad slogan is...

Life insurance not included with meal.

Copyright 2009 Matt Hohnstein. All Rights Reserved.