About Reptilspire Productions
The First Saga of Randomness

Episode 1 -- The Tale of Figland & Orangeland

There once was a land called Figland that was known widely for its large crop of oranges. Its neighboring town, Orangeland, was known for its figs. The two towns constantly stole crops from each other and thus got into wars.

        One such was over a theft of a cart of figs.  Everybody in Orangeland was killed except for one.  Figland moved into Orangeland so they could have an edge on the fig market.  The one remaining citizen from Orangeland took over Figlands old abandoned orange crop.  After several harsh winters, Figland’s fig crop died out and they went into famine, but Orangeland’s one survivor was doing well.  Figland pleaded to join Orangeland and become one land and make the survivor of Orangeland king.  So he became king.  Until he fell off a cliff and died.

Episode 2 -- The Tale of Glabular

Once upon a time there was an evil creature called Glabular.  Glabular enjoyed being a jerk to people and doing mean things to them.  One time he even managed to pull of a bank heist with only using a dead fish!  Anyways, he decided to go taunt children and then eat them.

        Glabular walked up to a playground and demanded of the children: “Hey you filthy cookie-eating vermin, get me some uranium or else I’ll eat you for lunch!”

        Little Billy retorted: “No #!$?ing way you *$&#&*ing #&^er!”  This angered Glabular, as would any other person.  So Glabular ate him.  The end.

Episode 3 -- The Tale of The Monkey Man

The Monkey Man was a dreadful sight.  Covered with body hair, the never-bathing Monkey Man was the hero that saved spring break along with his son, a mule.

        The Monkey Man was feared by women and hated by men.  Because of this, he lived in a hut in the woods.  The Monkey Man and the mule lived together fine by growing food and eating rocks.

        Spring break was illegal.  The King had banned it several decades ago.  One day the Monkey Man was walking through the woods and came across a small man trapped under a log.  The Monkey Man helped him free and was thanked heavily.  The small man let the Monkey Man have a wish, and that wish was to save spring break.  The Monkey Man was loved by youth all across the land.

Episode 4 -- A Piratey Adventure

Redbeard the pirate was world renowned as the most evil pirate around.  He would plunder and pillage just like all of the pirates of Yore, but he would do it to a higher degree of plunderness and pillageness.  The fall of Redbeard came with the invention of the submarine.  Submarines would always surface just under Redbeard’s ship and cause him to lose gold.  One day a submarine surfaced under his ship and caused it to capsize; spilling out all of Redbeard’s gold into the bathtub.  Not even the giant squeaky octopus or tugboat could save the lost gold.  Redbeard’s head accidentally fell off but he put it back on.  So Redbeard had to build a rocket ship to escape and hire a pleastic gorilla to get his gold, but the gorilla stole the gold.  Then, Redbeard hired Master of the Universe to get the gold from the plastic gorilla, but Master of the Universe stole it for himself and flew away to the toilet, but tragically fell in and got flushed down.  Moral: if you are made out of plastic and your head can fall off, don’t hire plastic gorillas or Master of the Universe to get your lost treasures.

Episode 5 -- Skeletons & Ghosts

A skeleton.  Long ago, an adventurer in his youth was lost in a deep, dark forest.  He was never heard from again.  Anyways, he’s a skeleton now.  He (the skeleton) got up and went to town.There he met a ghost.  The ghost welcomed the skeleton to town and took him to the abandoned house where he lived.  When they entered the house a dog with shifty eyes stared at them as if he was cursing them.  They threw rocks at the dog and then went to sleep.  The next day the ghost purchased a Lottery ticket and won several million dollars.  Upon claiming his money, the shifty-eyed dog requested some money for food, but they didn’t give him any.  So the dog left and came back with the town priest.  The priest chanted something and the ghost and skeleton disappeared in a poof of green smoke.  The moral of the story: greed can cause the dead to die again.

Episode 6 -- A Lame Excuse to Get out of Doing Math

One day I was walking down the street and I was assaulted by an x and y variable.  This is why I am not allowed to do math, because I have restraining orders on all types of variables, even Greek numerals. There was also an attempted assassination of me planned by several disgruntled parabolas.  This is why I have an objection to doing mathematics.

Episodes 7 & 8-- "Rejected Limericks" Volumes 1 & 2

There once was a man from Nantuckett,
Who got drunk and passed out in a bucket,
Too much he had drank,
He really did stank,
When he woke; his wallet (he'd lost it!)

There once was a dog from Peru,
Who really loved sipping on glue,
Until one day,
It got thrown away,
And then the dog started to moo.

There once was a guy from Jamaica,
If you needed a ride he would take ya,
Nobody cheered,
When his car disappeared,
So with his new stove he would bake ya.

Does anyone watch PBS?
I could not give you a yes,
They have all old shows,
And nobody knows,
Why their pledge drives are such a mess.

What’s wrong with children today?
They curse and they fight everyday,
They think that they’re “cool”,
When they ditch middle school,
And when they take things without pay.

Episode 9 -- A Scientific Essay on Water

Why is water in the ocean blue?  This horrifying question has been plaguing mankind for centuries…baffling even the most genius minds.  I, however, can explain this natural phenomenon.  It all starts when the hemopods (hemopoidia) or “sea creatures” excrete a certain red toxin (tridoxiclaric acid).  However, water cancels out the potent ingredients of the toxin thus rendering it harmless as well as delicious.  Then, whales eat the red toxin and secrete it out again, but this time it is clear.  This clear substance evaporates and condenses in clouds.  When it rains, massive amounts of the substance fall down in the rain.  The fall the substance takes enacts the “liquid property of chemical inertia” and thus changing the state of the substance into solid.  These solids dissolve over time in ocean water and crumble into a blue powder.  This powder dyes the water blue.  However, this color tone can only be seen from a reasonable distance from the human eye.  If this dyed water comes close enough to the human eye it will appear as clear, for the human eye cannot register the color at a close range.  And thus ocean water is blue at a distance and not at close range.

Episode 10 -- A Scientific Essay on How The Wheel Works

The wheel is the most complex invention ever created.  It is easy to form a geometrically shaped figure such as a cube, but the wheel is next-to-impossible to replicate.  If you have all the necessary tools to form a wheel you have the power to create or destroy life.  You could use the wheel to form a wagon and transport medicine to cure sick people, or use it to form a tank and blow stuff up.  But, how does this miracle work?  Pressure is evenly distributed on the wheel thus increasing its lifespan.  The wheel performs a marvelous technique called “rolling” thus having the potential to travel at rapid speeds.  However, if the rolling activity causes the wheel to move too rapidly, it may fall off or even catch fire.  This caused the brakes to be invented.  The origin of the wheel is unknown, but it is believed to have been invented by a caveman.  There were well-developed wheels at work on the classic television program “The Flintstones” so thus the wheel had to have been a caveman invention because cartoons never lie.  The wheel: man’s savior or antisavior?  Who knows, but the development of the wheel will undoubtedly continue throughout the ages until hover cars are invented.

Episode 11 -- How 1+1 May Not Necessarily = 2

One dog + one dog = 2 dogs.  However, 1 dog + 1 molecule doesn’t equal anything.  So in the case, 1+1=0.  1 bomb + bomb = 2 bombs too many.  So therefore in this instance 1+1 is not equal to 2.  1 book + 1 book doesn’t equal 2: it equals 2 books.  And as we all know, books are NOT numbers.  1 mile + 1 gallon can’t compute.  Thus 1+1=error.  1 idea + 1 turtle can’t compute either because one is physical and one is mental.  Thus 1+1 is not equal to 2 but 1+1=crazy.

oEpisode 12 -- How to Tell if Someone is Evil

The general way to tell if someone is evil is if they have a beard.  Beards can significantly cause someone to appear more evil as well as goatees or unibrows.  Capes can also increase someone’s evil factor significantly.  Black clothing is the major outfit of the evil one along with long coats and/or hooded cloaks.  Leather is the predominate ingredient to an evil person’s wardrobe.  Chains are also evil.  Evil people tend to speak in a low, scratchy tone of voice and have an easily distinguishable laugh such as the classic “mwa ha ha ha ha ha” or its alternate “bwa ha ha ha ha ha.”  Beards enhace evilness.  Evil twins/clones generally have beards, such as how on the old Star Trek show when there was an evil Spock it was just regular Spock with a beard slapped on.

Episode 13 -- How to Tell if You Have a Boring Class
Based on Extreme Teacher Emotional Types

Everyone has taken a boring class at one time or another but do you REALLY know how boring the class is?  The teacher is the main factor in determining if a class is boring.  In order to examine if a class is boring, we must first review several extremes of teacher emotional types.

Type 1: The Robot.  This type talks on and on in monotone voice at the same volume even when pupils are asleep or not even there.

Type 2: Mr/Ms/Miss Happiness. This type is so perky you want to smack them and give them some Ritalin.  They see everything as “fun” or “interesting”…even things like pocket lint or 500 year old books in languages nobody even speaks anymore.  They often use ‘buzzwords’ such as “radical,” “awesome,” “groovy,” “jammin(g),” or “outrageous.”  Big words frighten and amuse them.

Type 3: “I wish I was dead so screw you all.”  This type doesn’t give a crap what anyone does.  They often complain about their minimum wage salary and sit behind the desk reading the newspaper drinking coffee of disguised Jack Daniels while assigning meaningless busywork.

Type 4: Lucifer.  This type is the physical incarnation of evil.  They often amuse themselves by assigning huge amounts of assignments and then often compete with other Lucifer types on the amounts of work assigned to poor students.

Episode 14 -- 18 Things You Should Not Do

You should not throw rocks at fat people.  You should not test if something if something is poisonous by giving it to your little brother or sister.  You should not stab things.  You should not urinate on an electric fence.  You should not taunt bald people.  You should not write profanities or draw genitals in library books.  You should not drink anything that comes from a goat.  You should not name your children after rock formations.  You should not call the phone numbers written on the walls of public men’s rooms.  You should not eat chalk, erasers, or metal.  You should not make fun of zinc. You should not walk around in a suit of armor during an electrical storm.  You should not snort ants up your nose.  You should not spit on statues.  You should not sleep in a tub of dirt.  You should not drink acid.  You should not pour liquid nitrogen on living beings.  You should not have relations with furniture.

Episode 15 -- The Longest Word Problem

A train leaves central station going eastbound at 30 mph heading towards north station.  A ticket costs $15 if you have 4 apples or $10 if you have 9 apples.  If Bob falls asleep at 9 AM and wakes up at noon, how many apples does he have and how tall is he?  Show your work as well showing the factor tree for the weight of Jim’s suitcase and for the size of the train in cubic millimeters.  Using this info, determine when the train will spontaneously combust based on the age of the conductor combined with the ratio of the temperature to the day of the week.

The answer: 7 goats.

Episode - 16 -- Why We Should
Elect a Gremlin to Political Office

Gremlins are the hardest working and overall most dedicated of all monsters.  Their motivation and dedication as well as several other ations’ are through the roof!  We do not even have to pay them for they take food as salary.  Also, what are the odds that a gremlin is going to have an affair and shame his office?  It is a well-known fact that gremlins are only attracted to other gremlins, so the only gremlins we will vote into office will be either all male or all female.  We could have them rotate this every couple years. This will prevent unnecessary breeding.  We will however build 20 gremlin farms nationwide that will breed gremlins for political careers.  Eventually all offices will be held by gremlins and we will be a nation dedicated to rule ”by the gremlins, of the people and gremlins, for the people.”  It may take some getting used to saying this new slogan but it is much more logical.  However, I may add, that gremlins may become tyrannical and create a totalitarian government and make human farms.  It’s like planet of the apes but with little green dudes that make funny sounds instead of apes.

Copyright 2009 Matt Hohnstein. All Rights Reserved.