The First Saga
of Randomness |
Episode
1 -- The Tale of Figland & Orangeland
There once was a land
called Figland that was known widely for its large crop
of oranges. Its neighboring town, Orangeland, was known
for its figs. The two towns constantly stole crops from
each other and thus got into wars.
One such was over a theft of a cart of figs.
Everybody in Orangeland was killed except for one.
Figland moved into Orangeland so they could have an edge
on the fig market. The one remaining citizen from
Orangeland took over Figlands old abandoned orange
crop. After several harsh winters, Figlands
fig crop died out and they went into famine, but
Orangelands one survivor was doing well.
Figland pleaded to join Orangeland and become one land
and make the survivor of Orangeland king. So he
became king. Until he fell off a cliff and died. |
Episode 2 -- The Tale of
Glabular
Once upon a time
there was an evil creature called Glabular.
Glabular enjoyed being a jerk to people and doing mean
things to them. One time he even managed to pull of
a bank heist with only using a dead fish! Anyways,
he decided to go taunt children and then eat them.
Glabular walked up to a playground and demanded of the
children: Hey you filthy cookie-eating vermin,
get me some uranium or else Ill eat you for
lunch!
Little Billy retorted: No #!$?ing way you
*$&#&*ing #&^er! This
angered Glabular, as would any other person. So
Glabular ate him. The end. |
Episode
3 -- The Tale of The Monkey Man
The Monkey Man was a
dreadful sight. Covered with body hair, the
never-bathing Monkey Man was the hero that saved spring
break along with his son, a mule.
The Monkey Man was feared by women and hated by
men. Because of this, he lived in a hut in the
woods. The Monkey Man and the mule lived together
fine by growing food and eating rocks.
Spring break was illegal. The King had banned it
several decades ago. One day the Monkey Man was
walking through the woods and came across a small man
trapped under a log. The Monkey Man helped him free
and was thanked heavily. The small man let the
Monkey Man have a wish, and that wish was to save spring
break. The Monkey Man was loved by youth all across
the land. |
Episode 4 -- A Piratey Adventure
Redbeard the pirate
was world renowned as the most evil pirate around.
He would plunder and pillage just like all of the pirates
of Yore, but he would do it to a higher degree of
plunderness and pillageness. The fall of Redbeard
came with the invention of the submarine.
Submarines would always surface just under
Redbeards ship and cause him to lose gold.
One day a submarine surfaced under his ship and caused it
to capsize; spilling out all of Redbeards gold into
the bathtub. Not even the giant squeaky octopus or
tugboat could save the lost gold. Redbeards
head accidentally fell off but he put it back on.
So Redbeard had to build a rocket ship to escape and hire
a pleastic gorilla to get his gold, but the gorilla stole
the gold. Then, Redbeard hired Master of the
Universe to get the gold from the plastic gorilla, but
Master of the Universe stole it for himself and flew away
to the toilet, but tragically fell in and got flushed
down. Moral: if you are made out of plastic and
your head can fall off, dont hire plastic gorillas
or Master of the Universe to get your lost treasures. |
Episode 5 -- Skeletons & Ghosts
A skeleton. Long ago, an
adventurer in his youth was lost in a deep, dark
forest. He was never heard from again.
Anyways, hes a skeleton now. He (the
skeleton) got up and went to town.There he met a
ghost. The ghost welcomed the skeleton to town and
took him to the abandoned house where he lived.
When they entered the house a dog with shifty eyes stared
at them as if he was cursing them. They threw rocks
at the dog and then went to sleep. The next day the
ghost purchased a Lottery ticket and won several million
dollars. Upon claiming his money, the shifty-eyed
dog requested some money for food, but they didnt
give him any. So the dog left and came back with
the town priest. The priest chanted something and
the ghost and skeleton disappeared in a poof of green
smoke. The moral of the story: greed can cause the
dead to die again. |
Episode
6 -- A Lame Excuse to Get out of Doing Math
One day I was walking down the street
and I was assaulted by an x and y variable. This is
why I am not allowed to do math, because I have
restraining orders on all types of variables, even Greek
numerals. There was also an attempted assassination
of me planned by several disgruntled parabolas.
This is why I have an objection to doing mathematics. |
Episodes 7 & 8--
"Rejected Limericks" Volumes 1 & 2
There once was a man from
Nantuckett,
Who got drunk and passed out in a bucket,
Too much he had drank,
He really did stank,
When he woke; his wallet (he'd lost it!)
There once was a dog from Peru,
Who really loved sipping on glue,
Until one day,
It got thrown away,
And then the dog started to moo.
There once was a guy from Jamaica,
If you needed a ride he would take ya,
Nobody cheered,
When his car disappeared,
So with his new stove he would bake ya.
Does anyone watch PBS?
I could not give you a yes,
They have all old shows,
And nobody knows,
Why their pledge drives are such a mess.
Whats wrong
with children today?
They curse and they fight everyday,
They think that theyre cool,
When they ditch middle school,
And when they take things without pay. |
Episode 9 -- A Scientific
Essay on Water
Why is water in the ocean blue?
This horrifying question has been plaguing mankind for
centuries
baffling even the most genius minds.
I, however, can explain this natural phenomenon. It
all starts when the hemopods (hemopoidia) or sea
creatures excrete a certain red toxin
(tridoxiclaric acid). However, water cancels out
the potent ingredients of the toxin thus rendering it
harmless as well as delicious. Then, whales eat the
red toxin and secrete it out again, but this time it is
clear. This clear substance evaporates and
condenses in clouds. When it rains, massive amounts
of the substance fall down in the rain. The fall
the substance takes enacts the liquid property of
chemical inertia and thus changing the state of the
substance into solid. These solids dissolve over
time in ocean water and crumble into a blue powder.
This powder dyes the water blue. However, this
color tone can only be seen from a reasonable distance
from the human eye. If this dyed water comes close
enough to the human eye it will appear as clear, for the
human eye cannot register the color at a close
range. And thus ocean water is blue at a distance
and not at close range. |
Episode 10 -- A Scientific
Essay on How The Wheel Works
The wheel is the most
complex invention ever created. It is easy to form
a geometrically shaped figure such as a cube, but the
wheel is next-to-impossible to replicate. If you
have all the necessary tools to form a wheel you have the
power to create or destroy life. You could use the
wheel to form a wagon and transport medicine to cure sick
people, or use it to form a tank and blow stuff up.
But, how does this miracle work? Pressure is evenly
distributed on the wheel thus increasing its
lifespan. The wheel performs a marvelous technique
called rolling thus having the potential to
travel at rapid speeds. However, if the rolling
activity causes the wheel to move too rapidly, it may
fall off or even catch fire. This caused the brakes
to be invented. The origin of the wheel is unknown,
but it is believed to have been invented by a
caveman. There were well-developed wheels at work
on the classic television program The
Flintstones so thus the wheel had to have been a
caveman invention because cartoons never lie. The
wheel: mans savior or antisavior? Who knows,
but the development of the wheel will undoubtedly
continue throughout the ages until hover cars are
invented. |
Episode
11 -- How 1+1 May Not Necessarily = 2
One dog + one dog = 2
dogs. However, 1 dog + 1 molecule doesnt
equal anything. So in the case, 1+1=0. 1 bomb
+ bomb = 2 bombs too many. So therefore in this
instance 1+1 is not equal to 2. 1 book + 1 book
doesnt equal 2: it equals 2 books. And as we
all know, books are NOT numbers. 1 mile + 1 gallon
cant compute. Thus 1+1=error. 1 idea +
1 turtle cant compute either because one is
physical and one is mental. Thus 1+1 is not equal
to 2 but 1+1=crazy. |
oEpisode 12 -- How to Tell if Someone is Evil
The general way to
tell if someone is evil is if they have a beard.
Beards can significantly cause someone to appear more
evil as well as goatees or unibrows. Capes can also
increase someones evil factor significantly.
Black clothing is the major outfit of the evil one along
with long coats and/or hooded cloaks. Leather is
the predominate ingredient to an evil persons
wardrobe. Chains are also evil. Evil people
tend to speak in a low, scratchy tone of voice and have
an easily distinguishable laugh such as the classic
mwa ha ha ha ha ha or its alternate bwa
ha ha ha ha ha. Beards enhace evilness.
Evil twins/clones generally have beards, such as how on
the old Star Trek show when there was an evil Spock it
was just regular Spock with a beard slapped on. |
Episode
13 -- How to Tell if You Have a Boring Class
Based on Extreme Teacher Emotional Types
Everyone has taken a boring class at
one time or another but do you REALLY know how boring the
class is? The teacher is the main factor in
determining if a class is boring. In order to
examine if a class is boring, we must first review
several extremes of teacher emotional types.
Type 1: The
Robot. This type talks on and on in
monotone voice at the same volume even when pupils are
asleep or not even there.
Type 2: Mr/Ms/Miss
Happiness. This type is so perky you want
to smack them and give them some Ritalin. They see
everything as fun or
interesting
even things like pocket lint
or 500 year old books in languages nobody even speaks
anymore. They often use buzzwords such
as radical, awesome,
groovy, jammin(g), or
outrageous. Big words frighten and
amuse them.
Type 3: I
wish I was dead so screw you all.
This type doesnt give a crap what anyone
does. They often complain about their minimum wage
salary and sit behind the desk reading the newspaper
drinking coffee of disguised Jack Daniels while assigning
meaningless busywork.
Type 4:
Lucifer. This type is the physical
incarnation of evil. They often amuse themselves by
assigning huge amounts of assignments and then often
compete with other Lucifer types on the amounts of work
assigned to poor students. |
Episode
14 -- 18 Things You Should Not Do
You should not throw
rocks at fat people. You should not test if something if
something is poisonous by giving it to your little
brother or sister. You should not stab things. You should not
urinate on an electric fence. You should not
taunt bald people. You should not write profanities or
draw genitals in library books. You should not drink
anything that comes from a goat. You should not name
your children after rock formations. You should not call
the phone numbers written on the walls of public
mens rooms. You should not eat chalk, erasers,
or metal. You should not make fun of
zinc. You should not walk around in a suit
of armor during an electrical storm. You should not snort
ants up your nose. You should not spit on
statues. You should not sleep in a tub of
dirt. You should not drink acid. You should not pour
liquid nitrogen on living beings. You should not have
relations with furniture. |
Episode 15 -- The
Longest Word Problem
A train leaves central station going
eastbound at 30 mph heading towards north station.
A ticket costs $15 if you have 4 apples or $10 if you
have 9 apples. If Bob falls asleep at 9 AM and
wakes up at noon, how many apples does he have and how
tall is he? Show your work as well showing the
factor tree for the weight of Jims suitcase and for
the size of the train in cubic millimeters. Using
this info, determine when the train will spontaneously
combust based on the age of the conductor combined with
the ratio of the temperature to the day of the week.
The answer: 7 goats. |
Episode
- 16 -- Why We Should
Elect a Gremlin to Political Office
Gremlins are the hardest working and
overall most dedicated of all monsters. Their
motivation and dedication as well as several other
ations are through the roof! We do not even
have to pay them for they take food as salary.
Also, what are the odds that a gremlin is going to have
an affair and shame his office? It is a well-known
fact that gremlins are only attracted to other gremlins,
so the only gremlins we will vote into office will be
either all male or all female. We could have them
rotate this every couple years. This will prevent
unnecessary breeding. We will however build 20
gremlin farms nationwide that will breed gremlins for
political careers. Eventually all offices will be
held by gremlins and we will be a nation dedicated to
rule by the gremlins, of the people and gremlins,
for the people. It may take some getting used
to saying this new slogan but it is much more
logical. However, I may add, that gremlins may
become tyrannical and create a totalitarian government
and make human farms. Its like planet of the
apes but with little green dudes that make funny sounds
instead of apes. |
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